I wish I hadn't done it

     I wish I hadn't said it

     I wish that I could take it all back   

     (Here Come the Regrets by Epik High ft. Lee HI)

     I think those lyrics represent a lot of us, right?. Suddenly, we're becoming 'Hagrid' who said, "I shouldn't have said that" to the trio Hogwarts troublemaker, Harry, Ron, Hermione. 

     There will always be something from the past that bothers you. Like the old embarrassing moment of youth that you wish you could undo, and hoping for another scenario.

     What I hate about that is, WHY?? WHY DID YOU COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO MY MIND ?? WHEN I KNOW I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE??

     So, every time that kind of thought came, I'll just tell them, "GET OUT !!!", loud and repetitive. Quite relieved it often works for me. We need frequent boundaries too, and that's my way. But, sometimes I failed to overcome it. Most of it happened every time happiness was close enough. When the crowd isn't the best place to fade it out. 

"You're laughing? How could you? Nobody told you to be happy. You don't deserve it"

(Signed by Hysterical Cell)

     After that, I curled up on the bed, hiding my face under the pillow, singing sad songs, watching ASMR videos till my brain stop producing bad thoughts, closing every chance of those voices inside. Even though it's useless. I wanna go back again to the moments when I messed up, not showing a good responsibility as it should be, saying something I shouldn't have, and many more. 

     Just because I wish I could live in this book's world. 

Language                     : English 

Blurb:

'Between life and death there is a library, and within that library, the shelves go on forever. Every book provides a chance to try another life you could have lived. To see how things would be if you had made other choices... Would you have done anything different, if you had the chance to undo your regrets?'

A dazzling novel about all the choices that go into a life well lived, from the internationally bestselling author of Reasons to Stay Alive and How To Stop Time.

Somewhere out beyond the edge of the universe there is a library that contains an infinite number of books, each one the story of another reality. One tells the story of your life as it is, along with another book for the other life you could have lived if you had made a different choice at any point in your life. While we all wonder how our lives might have been, what if you had the chance to go to the library and see for yourself? Would any of these other lives truly be better?

In The Midnight Library, Matt Haig's enchanting new novel, Nora Seed finds herself faced with this decision. Faced with the possibility of changing her life for a new one, following a different career, undoing old breakups, realizing her dreams of becoming a glaciologist; she must search within herself as she travels through the Midnight Library to decide what is truly fulfilling in life, and what makes it worth living in the first place. (Sc:Goodreads)

     Beginning of 2021, I checked on the 'Goodreads' page as per usual. Of course to visit their annual book of the year. The Midnight Library is the winner in the category of Best Fiction in 2020. Non-other than my favourite genre, that's why it's my priority to look up to that first one. But apparently, it's the best !! ... written by Matt Haig. Actually, I never heard his name before, they said he is an expert in writing a lot of self-help books. So I thought I could give it a try since those 2 genre is my cup of tea by this far.

     Moreover, RM from BTS encouraged ARMY (I don't need to explain who is Army, right? hehe) to read it on the recent 'BTS In The Soop 2' variety show. Even though I read it around February, long before he told us, knowing this book included as a part of his reading list, just brighten up my day💜. As usual, he's not kidding whenever it comes to books. If you wanna know any other books from his recommendation, you'll find titles such as 'I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokpokki' by Baek Se Hee (this one is super famous, even my non-Kpop friend told me that she likes it), 'Kim Ji Young: Born 1982' by Cho Nam Joo, 'Kitchen' by Yoshimoto Banana, lots of Haruki Murakami's masterpiece too, and many more. 

     Even two of BTS's albums (Map of the Soul: Persona and Map of the Soul: 7) was inspired by a book..it is 'Map of the Soul: Persona - Our Many Faces' by Murray Stein. In turn, the author even write another book called 'Map of the Soul: 7 Persona, Shadow & Ego - In the World of BTS' ... dedicated to BTS and ARMY who's taking the big parts of spreading Jungian Psychology theory.

     Not just RM, another BTS member is also a big reader. I think they need another reward other than music things tho. That they could be our literacy ambassadors. Being the role model of increasing people's reading interest. How can I not love them?

     Oh sorry about these sudden fangirling moments, but ... first, I need to give you a little warning, that this book has triggers ... suicide and depression. From the very beginning of the story, Haig presents us with a super dark introduction. I was kind of uncomfortable at that part. But that's the strong root of its whole plot. 

     About our protagonist, Nora Seed, who is trying to find what would her best life looks like, whether she really does have it. Just like every living person in the world stepping at the age of 30s, don't know what to do and keep asking the purpose of existence. She is about to give up on her life, but something extraordinary happens to her. 

     Nobody knows. But if we're living in her world, maybe it would be another thing. Like a parallel world is something that maybe (?) does exist, just like what happened right now with the world of MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) superheroes story. But I think scientists from all over the world still doing research about it, I mean in real life. There's so much theory related to quantum physics that could explain it ... maybe. I just don't have the guts to tell you anything related to it since I don't have the proficiency. Just trying to believe that while enjoying the book. That's what we do as readers. I ain't complaining tho.

     So, to tell you about it ... Nora, experienced "living" in that magical world, guided by Mrs Elm who is actually Nora's past school librarian. Someplace in between, maybe we could say it's kind of the 'grey area'. The library in this book here is described as a place filled with Nora's regrets ... a Book of Regrets. Just like the blurb said, it provides chances to try another life you could have lived. Can you imagine that?

     Honestly, she is a bit annoying though. Cause as I read it for more pages, the more I think I could relate to what she feels at the moment. Haig writes it to torture us with the fact that we ... humans never feel enough of what we owned until we've "seen" what it really becomes. If it could be that simple in choosing your own life, some people would say, "what's the joy then?".

     Sometimes, I'd get bored in the middle of the story. Like the uh ... on the 'repetitive' sequences. Many people have this same issue with me on Goodreads. But believe me, you're gonna regret it if you decided to quits. Maybe you could take a breath with other books, cause I know Midnight Library kind of have the ability to absorb your soul and it's a little bit too much. I even take a month away.

     I've always kept it in my mind that ending your life doesn't even solve your problems. No matter how hard it is for us to live, especially in this scary world. It will only gain another problem.

But your death it weren't happen to you, 

it happens to your family and your friends... (The 1975)

     I love it. After this one is finished, even the ocean seems loaded with my tears. I'm crying like craaazy. Weirdly, I still wanna know how is she today?. I hope she's doing great at the end of the year. Wish everyone have a good time with their loved ones wherever you are reading this right now. 

     #2022 ... Just, please keep me out of these "Get Out" moments.

Fire

She had fire inside her.

She wondered if the fire was to warm her or destroy her.

Then she realised.

A fire had no motive.

Only she could have that.

The power was hers.

     Currently, I've been listening to a lot of podcasts. Sometimes that activity helps me working on my focus. Because apparently... I'm having trouble with writing, it becomes too overwhelmed to the point I don't know how to say, "Goodbye my lovely negative energy cell, no need a rush coming back to me!!!".

Pict: Rintik Sedu

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you," wrote Angelou. Silence is pain. But it is a pain with an exit route. When we can't speak, we can write. When we can't write, we can read. When we can't read, we can listen. Words are seeds. Language is a way back to life. And it is sometimes the most vital comfort we have. - The Comfort Book by Matt Haig

Speak →Write → Read → Listen   

     Well, actually watching movies or TV series would count in my dictionary of coping too. So ... Yeah, it will always revolve around how words would affect us. Especially if you're an introverted person. No matter what kind of forms, words will always go through inside you.

     Just a couple days ago, I listened to this particular episode of the "Rintik Sedu" Podcast on Spotify. Number 1 Podcast in Indonesia. It belongs to Tsana, the author of many love storybooks based on her experience. Honestly, I've never read her books ... but if you've ever watched 'Geez & Ann', heard of 'Buku Minta Dibanting', 'Buku Minta Disayang', 'Kata', then you know her. Rumour says she loves the sad ending story. Is that bad or not, I don't know but she's kinda cool.

Pict: IG @ntsana I'm sorry for choosing this one, Paus 🙈

     So, the title is 'Kutukan Cinta Pertama?' (First Love's Curse?). This one is part of the 'Dari Sana' (From Sana) segment, wherein here, Tsana will read letters from the audience. So, it'd be based on her audience perspectives. Then, she would give her opinion afterwards.

     "Why did you wanna do something about it tho, Dis?". HONESTLY, IT BOTHERS ME IN SOME WAY, and I really wanna post something again after a couple months off.

     If I'm asking you when was the first time you guys felt this butterfly feeling in your stomach kills you? what would you say?. I bet you still could remember that, right? like the whole plot and details. That one audience told us about her first love story. Things that often happens in Korean drama ... she meets again with him. Just like Ji PD met again with his first love, Hyejin after such a long time (Please bear with my Hometown Cha Cha Cha reference). But this time, it's another story for her. He's about to marry another girl. She's still lingering with the old memories, hoping the wedding day is not on her birthday, and bla bla bla. It hurts but, it's over for them. End of the story. But at least her story was not messed up like Jungpal who never gets the chance to confess (sorry again, especially for Jungpal). 

     I gotta admit it, I never confess my pinky moment feeling either, to anybody. Because I know it's just some stupid puppy love. You fell for that person, then it would disappear eventually. Sometimes you thought it's love, but God knows. 

     The moment we fell would be in any kind of form, even just a simple handshake. Oh ... of course, I still remember that particular silly moment. Back from my Junior High School era. He still looks great in passing through life. I'm glad he found his passion and earns money from it. Or so I thought, I mean we never know, right?. We just never have any reason to keep in touch anymore. Also, I'm afraid the feeling will back too. Cause sometimes whenever it comes to that annoying feeling, I'd be comparing the "next person" with him, and I hate myself for that. Tsana said, "Indeed, it's normal to make a comparison to your first experience in everything, just like the first-ever we eat our favourite food." It's something you could never forget, a special one.

But I ended up saying, 

Falling in love is such a calamity

     Don't get me wrong. I said that as to remind myself... it is such a waste of your life!. Because at that age, we still don't know how to act properly... Teenage things and getting older got me to understand that religion said no to anything that makes us closer to Zina. But of course, I'm grateful that God still blessed me with having this kind of feeling and aware of how to behave at facing this one now. Till I realized it's been a long time since then. I think my love cell is in a state of coma from many many years ago😅.

     You're just a beautiful dream, that disappears when I wake up 

     Nevertheless, I don't want to make this title in any kind of impression. Curse? hmm... I don't think so. More of "Special" I guess. I don't think it's my priority now to find the "chosen one". One thing I know for sure. We still got lots of love for our family, friends, animals, plants. Most importantly... Ourself.

*) Here is the link to that podcast: 

    https://open.spotify.com/episode/6kAkyWxdtUjUCLwc8Djgqn