Wired🍁

     What kind of nonsense is this? Where is our Book Review?

     Yeah I know, I've questioned myself too. Believe me... a lot.

     It's still on the progress (bah, old classic reason). I thought I could finish it in August, but it's kind of risky for me to write again in a state of messed up brain. So, forgive me, folks. This time, I just wanna share you my complicate wired thoughts. 

     My head has been deliberating so much, whether is it okay to write this publicly or not. A few weeks ago, I and my family went to dad's oldest brother place. We're trying to check on their condition since mom really wants us to go there. Auntie requested my mom to make her a pudding, which is an odd occasion because she never ever once ask her to do something like that. We're only going there on Eid Fitr day, and we decided not to go there this year since you know..covid situation. And for this time, I agreed to go with mom's plan at fulfilling my aunt's wishes. 

     I don't know...I've got a gut feeling something is wrong. Haaff....I hate my overthinking mind.

     I'm so grateful for how my dad's family still taking good care of their late brother's family. Even if he's gone like forever years ago. He's got so many brothers and sisters. I haven't even seen some of them in person. They're living in such miles away from my family. And for the oldest brother, he lives in like an hour away by motorcycle from my house.

     Okay now let's get to the point. We arrived there, health protocols are our first priority. We're even doing a conversation with a mask on. They've never thought we would bring grandma (from my mom's side) there. The grannies from dad's side already had their own peace place 'there' with my dad. Hence, this is some overwhelming luxury stuff for them. Whenever we visited, they insist to make us give it a ring to them before we go there, so they could provide the best feast. If not, then they still gonna make your stomach need no other things to fit in anymore. That's what I learned from mom too. I'm pretty much aware of it.

     One thing I'm not well aware of is..how I was gonna be a mess the moment we met my cousin, and aunt to be in a vulnerable state. We knew a few things about aunt's condition, but my cousin??? That's totally a piece of news for us. I think it would be a bit more difficult for mom to witness this kind of thing again. Seeing her niece going through something that she believes the first symptom of dad's cancer. I hate the facts that I'm at there and trying so hard not to breakdown...mentally. Because I hate showing people my feelings about that one particular thing.

     It's been 2 weeks after she passed away. Everything seems escalated quickly. I was sitting like a fool, trying to type a bit here and there for my thesis when the news comes. In the middle of the night, my sister vid-called me since she's in a room with my mom who's got the news first. I and my lil' sist were stunned. My cousin is a super kindhearted person. She has a dream of becoming a teacher in a region that considered as a rimland part of Indonesia, specifically at Papua. An inspiring Hafidzah who's only 19, but I know death chase every soul no matter who and how old are they. It's just surreal when I came to the graveyard. That was too fast for her.

Reminder for all of us..Always

     Maybe October 23rd gonna be the cursed of me. Anyone who's got a birthday on that day, sorry...guess I'll never see it in the same way as you are. It's just too much for me. I'm just praying to God to let my cousin and dad finally meet there with smiley faces and may they rest in peace. May Pakde (Uncle) and Bude (Aunt) will always be blessed with a strong heart, even though Allah has already taken their 2 daughters.

I know they're not in pain anymore. Left me in that state of grieving again. 

Let me take it for the rest of my life. That feeling is forever mine.